The more you understand, the greater your pain and difficulty. For example, the more you know, the more imperfection you see around you; and the more you observe, the more evil becomes evident. As you set out to find the meaning of life, you must be ready to feel more, think more, question more, hurt more, and do more. Are you ready to pay the price for wisdom? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. Ralph Waldo Emerson We intercede on behalf of all mankind. Then we do laundry. (A Thai monk after being asked his mission in life.) The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LET'S EXERCISE! The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I've found that jumping to conclusions is not considered exercise. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Ten Commandments - The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected. 1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. 3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. 5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. 7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 9. Moses died before he ever reached Texas. 10. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines. 14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are OK, then it's you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two great buddies, Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the USA. Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven? One summer night, Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy's voice from Glory. "Tommy! Tommy, is that you?" Fred asked. "Of course it me," Tommy replied. "This is incredible!" Fred exclaimed. "OK. So I know why you're here. Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Fred." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night ..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Before you criticise someone, You should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, You are a mile away and you have their shoes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carjacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required ... so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman ... no charges were filed. - Fresno, Calif. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. They go to heaven, and are sitting outside the pearly gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits back down, and wait for a couple of months. They begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," say the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a preacher up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'd like coffee, without cream," the customer said. "I'm sorry," said the waitress. "You'll have to take it without milk. We're all out of cream." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saint Peter is standing duty at the Pearly Gates when who shows up but 40 White House staffers from the Clinton Administration. Saint Peter: "What do yo want? Them: "We want in." Saint Peter: "Wait here. I'll have to go talk to God about this." Saint Peter departs briefly and goes to see God. Saint Peter: "God, there are 40 Clinton staffers at the Pearly Gates. They want in. What do I do?" God: "We've never had that many Clinton staffers at one time before. Go tell them 40 Clinton staffers at one time are too many. Tell them we'll take 5 now, and the other 35 can try again later." Saint Peter: "Roger that, God." Saint Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates. Upon arriving, he immediately turns around and runs back to see God again -- at flank speed. Saint Peter: "God, God, they're not there any more!" God: "The 40 Clinton staffers?" Saint Peter: "No, the Pearly Gates!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grover: "You know, that cow of mine has as much sense as I do." Luke: "Well, don't tell anybody. You might want to sell her one day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A San Diego policeman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing' his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "what are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked. "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license," the man answered. "Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked in Spanish "are we over the border yet?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Another sailor: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Ole moved up north he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and, now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!" Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, the heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you are a walleye." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe. Joanna Macy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many do you remember? 01. Candy cigarettes 02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside. 03. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. 04. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 05. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with Cardboard stoppers. 07. Party lines. 08. Newsreels before the movie. 09. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ... (Drexel-5505) 12. Peashooters. 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM Records 15. Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flash Bulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. roller skate keys 22. Cork pop guns 23. Drive ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers 26. The Fuller Brush man 27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders 28. Tinkertoys 29. The Erector Set 30. The Fort Apache Playset 31. Lincoln Logs 32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers 33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards ... with that awful pink slab of bubblegum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN...... Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties". It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. A foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are opened!" The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. If you always take time to stop and smell the roses ... sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ode to the Spell Checker Eye halve a spelling chequer, It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue, Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word, And weight four it two say Whether eye am wrong oar write, It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid, It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite, Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh, My chequer tolled me sew. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK, Ummmmmm.....five?" A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here, my house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?" Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? Cuz 17 and under are not admitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Try this... A test for the old brain!! It is amazing!! Count the number of F's in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS Managed it? Answer at the end of this issue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHEN I WENT TO LUNCH TO DAY, I NOTICED AN OLD LADY SITTING ON A PARK BENCH SOBBING HER EYES OUT. I STOPPED AND ASK HER WHAT WAS WRONG. SHE SAID I HAVE A 22 YEAR OLD HUSBAND AT HOME. HE MAKES LOVE TO ME EVERY MORNING. AND THEN GETS UP AND MAKES ME PANCAKES, SAUSAGE, FRESH FRUIT AND FRESHLY GROUND COFFEE. I SAID WELL THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING SHE SAID HE MAKES ME HOME MADE SOUP FOR LUNCH AND MY FAVORITE BROWNIES AND THEN MAKES LOVE TO ME FOR HALF THE AFTERNOON. I SAID WELL WHY ARE YOU CRYING. SHE SAID FOR DINNER HE MAKES ME A GOURMET MEAL WITH WINE AND MY FAVORITE DESERT. AND THEN MAKES LOVE TO ME UNTIL TWO OCLOCK AM. I SAID WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU BE CRYING. SHE SAID, "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Talking about careers My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty: How golfers create divots. Control: A short, ugly inmate Heroes: what a guy in a boat does. Sick of doing someone else's work? So is someone else. Today's Thought... Inner Peace: My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. As George Bernard Shaw's life was nearing its end, a reporter challenged him to play the "What if" game. "Mr. Shaw, "he be- gan, "you have been around some of the most famous people in the world. You are on a first-name basis with royalty, world- renowned authors, artists, teachers and dignitaries from every part of this continent." Then he was asked, "If you had your life to live over and could be anybody you've ever known, who would you want to be?" Shaw thought for a moment and replied, "Sir, I would choose to be the man George Bernard Shaw could have been but never was." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Sunday Morning and the pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever" messages. He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the "good part," when a member of his congregation died. Rushing to his office, he dialed 911. When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out 51 people before they finally got the right one! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you can start the day without caffeine, if you can get along without pep pills, if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, if you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her, if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, Then, my friend, you are ALMOST as good as your dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The English Language - Lets face it. English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger, And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, and Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and, Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up, as It burns down And in which you fill in a form, By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why, When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch, It starts But when I wind up this poem, It ends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls over 6 year old Little Johnny and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Little Johnny is losing interest in the conversation, so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Little Johnny and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Little Johnny reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill. Grandpa, pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again he tells Little Johnny to take one of the bills and keep it. Little Johnny grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Little Johnny over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Little Johnny is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Little Johnny chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to his Daddy. Little Johnny's Daddy is quite surprised, but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.A few hours later, Daddy who is very concerned about Little Johnny's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers Little Johnny. "So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty," asks Dad. Little Johnny, with a wide smile answers, "Well Dad, if I would have chosen the twenty dollar bill the first time, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999: Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED THIS MORNING... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Hospital Bill; A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters'; they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT WISDOM 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. No one is listening until you fart. 6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. 9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. 12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 15. Don't squat with your spurs on. 16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. 21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 22. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 27. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN.......... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. ou have a rag for a gas cap. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only certain happiness in life is to live for others. Leo Tolstoy The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life. Robert Louis Stevenson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time frame, the gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email . (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF: You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. A really great parking space can move you to tears. The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!" Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los. Two overcast days in a row drive you mad. A family of four owns six vehicles. Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening. Even if the store is across the street, you drive there. And finally, a question: Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children,hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" " Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street,so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally,in exasperation,the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married,You're liable to have babies,you know." "We've thought about that,too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.--Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 11 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You've got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a, lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 "And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POSITION: MOM AND DAD JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Optimist Farmer and the Pessimist Neighbor One day the sun was shinning brightly and the optimist said, "Great day, eh?" The pessimist said, "The stupid sun will burn the crops." The next day it rained. Again the optimist tried to engage his friend, but the pessimist's only response was: "Stinking rain will wash out all the seed!" So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved. After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back. The optimist exclaimed "Did you see that?" The pessimist replied, "Dog can't swim, eh?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weird Laws of the United States * It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than three times. * In California, it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license. * In Tennessee, it is illegal to use lassos to catch a fish. (A rusty hook is far more humane...) * If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kan. * In 1659, Massachusetts made Christmas illegal. * Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 p.m. in Newark, N.J. * It is a misdemeanor in Montana to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. * Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Mo., but not toy cap guns. * In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.) * In Hartford, Conn., it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cellphone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy", answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know a dam about my business because you just took my dog." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worth while project. Thank you, Bill Clinton Monument Committee PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor. The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone used. The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brain Teaser A man gave his young son the following challenge. He offered his son $1000 if the son could accomplish the following task. The father gave his son ten envelopes and a thousand dollars, all in one dollar bills. He told his son, "Place the money in the envelopes in such a manner that no matter what number of dollars I ask for, you can give me one or more of the envelopes, containing the exact amount I asked for without having to open any of the envelopes. If you can do this, you will keep the $1000." When the father asked for a sum of money, the son was able to give him envelopes containing the exact amount of money asked for. How did the son distribute the money among the ten envelopes? The answer follows, but think about it for a few moments before you scroll down to end to see the answer... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toy Disclaimers * No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product. * Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. * Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. * Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. * Some dismemberment may occur. * Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man. * Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury. * Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!! * In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement. * Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. * Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. *Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior. * NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it. * Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them. The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cute & Clever - There are two parts to this; both are clever.... The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words The following were some of the winning entries: Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor. The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Really Bad Head Lines: March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Perfect Employee? 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ INSANE ASYLUM A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence. One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor; in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence -- an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow." The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you." The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide; his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work -- handrails and all, and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done." The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother. "I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said "but, I have many more bridges to build." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The contents or the ten envelopes (in dollar bills) should be as follows: $1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 489 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many? 3? Wrong! There are 6!! - no kidding. Read it again. The reasoning follows. The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible, right?? Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first go is a genius. three is normal. Four is quite rare!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~