"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department store, 
I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother on the down 
escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do when the basement 
gets full of steps?'" --Hal Linden 

While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old evidently 
got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century. Instead of singing along, 
"Goin' to the chapel/ And we're gonna get married," I heard him sing, 
"Goin' to the chat room/ And we're gonna get married." 

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came 
in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over 
to arts and crafts to make ash-trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay 

"War of The Worlds" is continuing to do huge business. 
You know the H.G. Wells classic where the earth is invaded by aliens 
and they can't be stopped. They went from city to city vaporizing everything 
in their path. And California still voted to give them driver's licenses." --Jay Leno 

"President Bush had a minor bike accident recently. The White House physician 
said he should be fine and back on his Big Wheel in no time." --Conan O'Brien 

"Do you know about this? (Recently) in Scotland, President Bush was riding 
his bicycle when he collided with a police officer. Personally, I blame the 
police officer. He should have heard Bush coming with all those baseball 
cards in his spokes." --Jay Leno 

This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was a dyslexic policeman 
who had a heart attack. They found him by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
 
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued Pace University because 
the math in their computer course was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the 
school got the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was
$1,000. - Jay Leno
 
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 
"Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
 
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got 
a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
 
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I 
was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
 
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me 
to wait until it gets warmer. -- Rodney Dangerfield
 
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the guy told me I had to 
wear high heels. I'll wear the high heels but I am going to need a handicapped
parking space. -- Margaret Smith
 

I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle 
in my lower back. As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. 
Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item. 
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend." 


One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message 
and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?" 
"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136" 
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, 
or would that be too personal?" 


Medical Problem   
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. 
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three 
different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a 
big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass 
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with 
another big glass of water." 
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, 
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" 
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." 


After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, 
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. 
In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a 
bottle of cognac. 
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?" 
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap." 

 
Good and Bad News   
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, 
"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news." 
Dan said, "Give me the good news." 
"They're going to name a disease after you." 


Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company. 
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand,
 and I want my money." 
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work 
quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide 
you with a new barn of comparable worth." 
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the 
policy on my husband." 


When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons 
make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, 
and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent 
showed it to prospective buyers. 
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly 
made each day.  One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. 
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

  
Hang-gliding   
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. 
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest 
mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. 
He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes! 
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 
bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! 
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. 
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." 
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful 
aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird 
continues to sail silently over the tree tops. 
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. 
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!" 

 
Flying   
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. 
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in- evitable answer. 
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're 
on the ground or in the air." 
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the 
ground when it's the pilot's time to go." 
 

Necessary Information for the 40-and-older crowd   
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
        in a garage makes you a car. 
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 
 
The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40...   
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 
You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
You sing along with elevator music. 
Your eyes won't get much worse. 
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
You can't remember who sent you this list.  


You're A Teacher If...   
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. 
You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next 
person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." 
You believe chocolate is a food group. 
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. 
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. 
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says 
"Boy, the kids sure are mellow today." 
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do 
not know to correct their behavior. 
You have no life between August to June. 
You think people should be required to get a government permit before 
being allowed to reproduce. 
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. 
You believe in aerial Prozac spraying. 
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught 
in an elementary setting for the last 10 years. 
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would 
"Never DREAM" of doing your job. 
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form. 
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: 
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun." 
You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such 
FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you." 
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?" 
 

Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle   
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that 
       time-management course you sent me to." 
3. "I was working smarter-not harder." 
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper." 
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement 
       and envisioning a new paradigm!" 
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance." 
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now
       it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead." 
9. "I'm in the management training program." 
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" 
      (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend." 
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!" 
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. 
      Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?" 
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
      to our biggest problem." 
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..." 
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands." 
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot." 
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."