"Heroes are people who rise to the occasion and slip quietly away." - Tom Brokaw 

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. 

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and 
a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." --E. B. White 

"With 60 staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence 
structure and a definite hardening of the paragraphs." --James Thurber 

"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." 
Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning 
experience." It makes me feel less stupid." --P. J. O'Rourke 


Do You Know Your Judgment Day?   
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he 
              was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew 
              what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too." 
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" 
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him 


A very dirty little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, 
"Who am I?" 
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" 
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, 
my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 


In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine 
photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy 
new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and 
got to work on my thin, graying hair. 
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. 
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."  


You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When... 
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" 
you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. 
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, 
"I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's yours." 
Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential 
information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week 
as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was 
the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" 


At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, 
"I need a baseball quote." 
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!" 
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?" 
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing 
that came into my head." 
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote." 
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned 
on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?" 


A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part 
of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. 
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. 
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know 
what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads NO.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, 
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who 
actually does something!!!"


A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. 
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: 
Dear Mom,  
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with 
my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his 
piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. 
But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very 
happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with 
me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone 
and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all 
the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now 
and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to 
know your grandchildren. 
Your daughter, Judith  
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. 
I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my 
report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!  


Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an 
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who 
ran a small business that he had started himself. 
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. 
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." 
"Excuse me?" the accountant said. 
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry 
about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." 
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" 
"I'll start you at eighty thousand." 
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. 
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" 
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry." 


It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag 
the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of 
coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully 
dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to 
take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, 
"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as 
soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag 
an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled 
as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. 
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, 
"Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. 
And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer now!" 
followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a 
Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, 
"Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"


I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me 
while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people". 
"People WHO?" I asked. 
She said, "The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a 
person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, 
and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can
find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER 
your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps 
your card. 
"If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. 
If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if 
all is ok, gives you the amount. He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, 
tells them how much you've with- drawn, so they can update THEIR books." 


A farmer finally decided to buy a TV.  The store assured him that they would 
install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his 
new TV and found only political ads on every channel.  The next morning he
 turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat 
lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain.  
The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads,
but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right.  
After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. 
In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill 
and grounded to the manure spreader.


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western 
Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly 
lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining 
room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., 
all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady 
was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that 
she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. 
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say 
hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the 
last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" 
and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home." 
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, 
I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing 
home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can 
get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. 
That leaves $65 a day for: 
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can
have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers 
and dryers, and shows every night. 
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of 
tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced?
No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you 
fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for 
the rest of your life. 
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, 
Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? 
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, 
just call shore to ship. 
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.