Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable 
and receives the impossible.    Corrie Ten Boom

The moral test of any society is how it treats its weakest children, 
elderly, sick, needy and handicapped.     Hubert Humphrey

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire 
in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your 
kayak and heat it too. 


The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. 
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. 
First you boil the chicken in water. 
And then you dump the stock. 


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," 
he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. 
"OOPS!" 


Quick Blonde Jokes  
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? 
A: Frosted Flakes. 

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? 
A: A foursome. 

Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air? 
A: A woman collecting her thoughts.  

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" 
The agent replies, "Just a minute..." 
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. 
They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." 
Texas Ranger baseball player Pete Incaviglia 


The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, 
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, 
patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."


English vs Western
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a 
Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine.  
I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."


Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the 
night, waking up because she was afraid.  Each time as I re-tucked her into
bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe. 
The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom.
Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear 
away and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me.  "He told me to come and get you!" 


There was a small town nestled in a valley that was
powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the
valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once
they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people
or animals who needed help.

 
After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then 
they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards 
and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and 
bobbed downstream and then back upstream, and it kept repeating this.
Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. 
After they pondered this for a while, a young boy recalled his granddad
saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!


Money 
It can buy a house; But not a home 
It can buy a clock; But not time 
It can buy you a position; But not respect 
It can buy you a bed; But not sleep 
It can buy you a book; But not knowledge 
It can buy you medicine; But not health 
It can buy you blood - But not life;
So you see money isn't everything; And it often causes pain and suffering 
I tell you this because I am your friend !
And as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!! 
So... 
Send me all your money ..... And I will suffer for you! 
(Cash only please !!..!!) 


Truthful Sayings?  Wisdom from Grandpa... 
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the 
kind of chick he marries. 
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, 
that he forgets his sugar. 
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. 
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when 
they try to decide which one. 
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, 
she will never turn into an old nag. 
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present. 
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', 
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." 
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up. 
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, 
and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. 
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, 
and start bragging about it. 
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to 
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way 
and some of the roads weren't paved. 
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, 
remember about Algebra. 
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice 
change from being young. 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, 
they don't recognize you. 
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to 
laugh at when you are old. 

 
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are 
fans of 60's music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a 
Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town. 
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear 
all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show,
we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. 
At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. 
Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the
eyeglasses in the audience!" 


A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.
She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients.  But, I don't want to know if the
patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse.  I want to
know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Y !'
The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual
request....What is the patient's name and room number ?  "
She said, 'Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about Sarah
Finkel, in Room 302.'
He said, 'Finkel, Finkel.  Let me see.  Feinberg, Farber, Finkel.  Oh,
yes.  Mrs.  Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's had two full
meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as
normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr.  Cohen is going to send
her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.'
The woman said, 'Thank Goodness!  That's wonderful!  Oh, thank goodness!
Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a
couple of hours you say.  Oh!  that's fantastic, darling!  And she is
being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock!  I'm so happy to hear that!
..  .  .  That's wonderful news!'
The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be
a close family member or a very close friend!'
She said, 'What close family or friend? 
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!  Cohen my doctor tells me nothing."


There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why 
so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no 
where in town he could go and not be seen.  
One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into 
a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.   
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation 
walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the
rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal.
He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, 
with an apple in its mouth. 
The congregation president is more than a little shocked. 
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly.  
"Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered." 


Work Rules:  To All of our Employees:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume 
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that 
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. 
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more 
so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. 
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. 
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper 
roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. 
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company 
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. 
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide 
a positive employment experience. 
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, 
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a good day all......


It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. 
The Lord speaks to Noah and says,  
"In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water 
until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of 
every kind of living thing on the earth. 
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. 
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything 
aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas
of the earth went into a tumult.  
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.  
"Noah,"  he shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. 
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not comply with the 
codes. I had  to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and 
floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning 
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from 
the city planning commission.  I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark 
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally 
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.  
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls 
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a 
settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, 
but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights 
group sued me. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.  
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete 
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. 
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the 
conduct of the creator of the universe.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood 
plan. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination 
by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe
them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction 
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, and 
therefore, unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm.  
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully: "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No,"  said the Lord sadly.  "I don't have to ---the government already has."