BROTHER SPEEDER, LET'S REHEARSE; ALL TOGETHER, GOOD MORNING NURSE SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED HIM TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and 1940s. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet ... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising "Burma Shave", a popular shaving cream. Caesar sends Brutus to bring him 12 apples. Brutus returns with the apples and Caesar counts them but finds only 10 apples. He turns to Brutus and angrily says: "Et two, Brutus?" A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture." On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called. "It's some dumb glacier," he replied. Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier." I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?" http://www.andiesisle.com/psych.html The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said, "It's easy. I just outlived them all." Definition of a Bar-B-Que It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman goes to the shops. 2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. 4) The man places the meat on the grill. 5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation. 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that There's Just No Pleasing Some Women! A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon. "The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed." Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?" "All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year." A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each." Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?" "Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today." "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails." "No," she replied, "they're really big!" "Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails" "Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded. "Yes", she insisted. "Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one." She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..." Career Choice A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" DEFINITIONS - Finally, some definitions that make sense..... Someone had to do a lot of thinking to come up with these. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. TURNING A PHRASE These may be old but still funny delete if you've seen them before.... On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electrician's truck : "Let us remove your shorts." In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you'd send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." Ever wonder... 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 12. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 13. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 14. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 15. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 16. Stop singing and read on ..... 17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 19. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 20. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Mom Job Description POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.