Blowing out the other fellows candle won't make yours burn any brighter "What you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear a word you are saying." Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years and HELL, we're not using it anymore." When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high-school principal. "Wow," I said nervously, "I'm a little surprised to see you here." "Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office." A man & wife were arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The man thought the wife should cuz it was her duty & the wife thought the husband should cuz he was up first & they would not have to wait as long for it if he made it. It came to quite an argument & the wife finally said to her husband that he was responsible for making the coffee & even the Bible said so. The husband said to his wife that if she could show him in the Bible where that is written, then he would make the coffee every morning. She opened up the Bible to the New Testament & right there on the top of several pages was written ........ HEBREWS! Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his ship's first mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never read in the Bible where it says an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Sandra nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row." A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge, said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself," An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. What did he say," asked the nurse. OOPS!" The Pweor of the hmuan mnid The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. amzanig huh? Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad." Out of the mouths of babes! WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' Dog wisdom If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. LOOK AT HOW WE HAVE CHANGED. You know you are living in the year 2004 when: 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. 6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid. 7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-) 19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...but first I printed it for my non-automated friends and family! Rabid Rottweiler Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy picked up a board lying nearby, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal" "But I'm not a Celtics fan.", the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter, "but since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Supporter Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack." "But I don't like Kerry either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics, Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet" Helpful Tips ---- NOT ! 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Bonus: Great way to keep those dishes from piling up in the sink!) 4. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. Hard to get up? Take a mouse trap,set it,placed on top of your alarm clock, this will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough... Take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what "The Rules of Life " really are. You need only two tools - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. THINGS TO KNOW 1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair 2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish 3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes 4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair 5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any 6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea 7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water 8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste 9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it! 10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too 11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer 12. Chigger bite - Preparation H 13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H 14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals) 15. Stinky feet - Jello! 16. Athletes feet - cornstarch 17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub 18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (and we drink this stuff) 19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint, also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it! 20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper 21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray 22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby 23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls 24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on 25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar! 26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice! 27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak 28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! 29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's! 30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste 31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt. 32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel. 33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter ! 34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets , soak overnight! 35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it! 36. Dirty grout - Listerine 37. Stains on clothes - Colgate 38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup 39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries! 40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax - sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again. 41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water. 42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow. So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.