Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the 
college notice board at the beginning of each semester.  
One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." 
The card was signed, "Must sell."
The next day a note had been added: 
"Good price.  Are you sure it's never been used?"  
Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" 
Signed, "Professor who graded his exam." 

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where am I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some 
pounds she had put on recently. 
"Great," Sue exclaimed.  "I'm ready to start a diet too.  
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel 
the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." 
"Wonderful," Mary replied.  "I'll go with you."  

"So, what's the matter?  I thought you just got back from a nice
relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong:
First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I 
was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters 
worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his 
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted 
to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Washington"

"I have read your essay about your horse," scowled the teacher,
"and it's exact the same as your sister's from last year."
"Well, duh!" says the student, "It's the same horse."

You Must Be A Teacher If... 
You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick. 
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to 
have all your holidays and summers free." 
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.  
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone 
says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."  
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children 
and correct their behavior.  
Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler.  
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.  
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.  
You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would 
never dream of doing your job.   
You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you 
could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the 
moment you heard it. 
Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, 
"Why is this kid like this?"  

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood 
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other battie buddies smelled the blood and began 
hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they 
persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds 
of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river 
and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. 
They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come 
to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good 
if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty 
leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also 
Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" 
and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for 
the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, 
especially if you don't have television, because they are the 
only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say 
prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. 
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN 
WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE 
DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

Grand Kids...Out of the mouths of babes come gems!!
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew 
thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she 
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; 
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. 
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I 
asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. 
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. 
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, 
so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. 
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could 
tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, 
"What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity, 
Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised, 
"mine says I'm four."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, 
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." 
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" 
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'."

Children's Logic
Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. 
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." 
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently, "it means carrying a child."

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed
four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent. "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be
Mary,Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home.
Then one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another,"he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument
to a close."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.  
He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, 
and a pair of running boards."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and 
says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, 
a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says.  "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices 
crisp bacon."
"Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she 
spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

Groaner...
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is 
realexcited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, 
why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."

Why am I so tired???
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood 
or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: 
I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with the Middle East.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, 
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. 
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
 
President Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. 
After his talk, he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks him what his name is. 
"Bob," says the boy. "And what is your question, Bob?" "I have 3 questions."
"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?"
"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?"
"And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.  When they resume, George says, "OK, 
where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
what his name is.
"Steve," says the boy. "And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions."
"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?"
"Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?"
"Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
"Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?"
"And fifth, where is Bob?"

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist.  Even though they 
both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. 
Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, 
one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove,
and the table set. She was astonished; something's up. It turns out that Charley 
had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their 
own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do 
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away.
I really enjoyed the evening."
But what about afterward?" asked her friends.  
Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
 
I close with this...Ain't It the Truth?
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing naked in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear,"
she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My hair is gray, my
face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my rear is hanging out
a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and 
says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, 
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."