"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." --Sam Levenson The army of Israel looked at Goliath through the eyes of man and said he's too big to beat. David looked at him through the eyes of God and said he's too big to miss. .... Wally Carter God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. Garrison Keiller "You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off." Odd News Reports..... "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50." "Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present." "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished." "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump." How To Lose Your First Case A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. "Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box." Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it." A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit." A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!" Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!" While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, short skirt strolled by. My eyes in-voluntarily followed her as she walked. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in now?" Once a Baptist, always think like a Baptist John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." Man-speak 1. "I can't find it." MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless. 2. "That's women's work." MEANS: It's difficult, dirty and thankless. 3. "Will you marry me?" MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left. 4. "It's a guy thing." MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected to it and you have no chance at all of making it logical. 5. "Can I help with dinner?" MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table? 6. "It would take too long to explain." MEANS: I have no idea how it works. 7. "I'm getting more exercise lately." MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead. 8. "We're going to be late." MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac. 9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. 10. "That's interesting dear." MEANS: Are you still talking? It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people ........ make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?" Rules to Enter Texas: Applies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & remember 'em. East Coast and California-types pay particular attention! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Let's get this straight: It's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. 4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age. 10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak.. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.. 11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Pace Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah .... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato! 12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays. 16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt whipped by the best. 17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas." It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there. Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there? The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place. Why are we still there? We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing. Why are we still there? Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes. Why are we still there? It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there? There are more than 1000 religious sects. We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there? And to repeat: Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land. It is clear. We must abandon California.